Birthday…

My birthday was tuesday, my first one without her. I planned for the worst. I figured I’d be extremely emotional. I woke up, just like any other day. Went to class like any regular day, ate, took a nap, etc…it was rather uneventful. Which was the thing that bothered me. Usually, on my birthday, she would do something special. If I was at school, she would try to bring me a nice lunch, or cook whatever I wanted for dinner that night, but she would always do something. I’m not sure what I feel about my birthday this year. It wasn’t spectacular, but how could it have been. Also it wasn’t terrible. It was just sort of there. I missed her some throughout the day, more than others. I went to see my counselor for our normal scheduled appointment on Tuesday and told her how my day had been. She seemed impressed with how I was doing and asked if anything coming seemed like it would be hard like I thought my birthday was going to be. Going back to the house to pack, and move my things out, immediately came to me. I am finally going to be moving my things and possibly leaving my home of 19 years behind for good. The rest of my day was fairly boring. I got food for myself, and did homework. Fun right? One thing that helped me through the day was all of the birthday wishes from my friends. Also the help and support of that special someone in my life made my day go smoothly. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without her.

I hope this post is easy enough to read, sorry if its a little confusing, I am pretty sick.

Memories…

I was talking to Adia this morning and she told me about how earlier she had seen a few small kids playing by her school, and she had a mental image of watching me, with our kid, trying to help him walk, as he took small steps on his tippy toes, holding my hands, and how cute we were together as a family. This made me think back to when I was a baby, and learning to walk, and also about my memories, and how many of them were documented.  Just a few weeks prior to my moms death I had been watching home videos of me with Adia and my mom. They were all pretty cute and funny and whatnot, full of birthdays and christmases, school functions, and other events.

Not till Adia gave me this image did I realize how few videos I had of me with my parents. I realized that in most of the videos it was just me, or me and my friends, but rarely was it me and my parents, and I dont think that there was a single video that had me with both of them. At this moment, I made Adia promise me, that we would take turns taking videos of our kid, beacuse I realized that it was something that I feel like I am missing out on now, not having those memories documented and not being able to look back at the times I had with her.

I don’t blame my mom for not being in many of the videos. I understand that as a single parent you have to take yourself out from the front of the camera and go behind the scenes to be able to have something to look back on for everyone. I told my counselor about these thoughts today and she had a new perspective on the home videos I had. I’m not sure I’m comfortable looking at them this way, because of the fact that I know that I cant see her in the vidoes, but she told me that when watching the videos, I could think of them as seeing them through her eyes. Something about that doesnt seem right to me.

What I have realized is that no matter what, I want to have documents of times I spend with my kid. Not just for me to look back on, but for them to be able to look back and see their dad and mom, spending time with them, being happy, and being a family, because as the days go bye, I realize how important that is to me, and how helpful I think it would be for me to have that outlet, to be able to see her agian, happy, with me, and I want to give my kid that option. Whether I go when they are 2 or 82, I want them to have that option.

Realization for today…It’s never to early to start thinking and planning for your legacy.

I am…

so stupid…anyone who read my letter to my mom, knows how important Adia German is to me. I was an idiot tonight. She wanted to surprise me with something, and I asked and asked her what it was. She kept on telling me I’d like it, I believed her, I just really wanted to know. Anyway a day passed and I’d sort of come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t going to tell me, but I decided to ask anyway, just to see the reaction it would get from her. She told me she wasn’t going to tell me, but I asked again, finally she gave in and told me. She was heartbroken that she couldn’t give me just this one surprise and I realized that the joy you get form giving someone a surprise you know they will love is great, and I ruined that. I feel terrible. I really can’t believe that I am so stupid. I ruined this perfect surprise, and for what? Nothing.  Not to metion that I could lose the woman in my life that I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with, over something that is going to be good for me? See, stupid.

I love you Adia Simone and I am terribly sorry.

Realization for today…Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, it will bite back, hard.

<3 Adia

Dear Mom,

I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. I miss you so much. It’s been one month since I last spoke to you, and it’s been one month since you died. I think about you all the time, every day I miss you. I hate that I can’t call you and tell you about my day, and that I can’t ask for your help. I miss hearing your voice; I never noticed how much it helped and how comforting it was when I was upset. One thing that upsets me a lot is knowing that I won’t get to see you playing with your grandchildren. I know that you would have spoiled them with toys and clothes and you would do it just so you could tell me, “Now you get to see what it’s like raising a kid as spoiled as you!” I want to thank you for raising me like you did. I know it must have been difficult, I can’t even imagine the stress you went through. I do know however that you did a great job. Everyone has told me what a great young man I’ve turned into and I know it’s all because of you. You are the only person in my life who knows everything about me, and can tell what I am thinking or what I want before I even say hello. You were my best friend. I know that lots of people wouldn’t say that, but you were. I could tell you anything, I could hang out with you and we would be happy as friends not mother and son. All of my friends loved you, so much too. Shea was torn apart, Seth, Trevor, Jake, Dylan, they all miss you so much, and none of us could believe that we were just talking and playing games with you the night before. Adia was so shocked. I told her later that night after I found you, and she couldn’t believe it. Trent took me to see her and I stayed with her for a couple of hours I think, and I cried with her. She had already done her crying by the time I got there, because she wanted to be strong for me; she is. She is being so strong and so supportive. She misses you so much, I can’t even tell you. She writes about you, she talks to me about missing you. We were on our webcams the other day and we both started crying, she saw a commercial about angry onions and she remembered the angry onion that we had when we were all cooking dinner together and it made us all cry. She started to cry and I started to cry because I know that she misses you so much. I hate that you won’t be around to see our relationship grow. I wanted to have you at my wedding, and have you help her with making arrangements, because I know that you would want to be involved anyway possible. One of the first things that everyone mentioned that they were going to miss a lot was Dave and Busters. We all always had such a great time there. I want you to know that I am trying my hardest to be strong, it’s hard to keep moving forward day to day, because every day I miss you more and more and have more things to tell you, but can’t. Adia is such a strong woman and I love her so much, she is helping me make it through. I think the reason that I get so much comfort from her is because even though right now it is extremely hard to focus on anything but you, she is the woman in my life, who, like you, is very strong and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her, which is comforting. Anytime that I miss you, I call or text her and she helps me get through it. It sucks that she is so far away too though. The two women who mean the most to me, one is gone the other is too far away to see or hug. I wish that we could still do all the things we’ve always talked about doing like, going to Vegas when I turn 21, and going to Europe, and New York and going deep sea fishing again. I miss all the small things the most I think. I miss getting calls just to check on me. I miss arguing over stupid things for no particular reason other than to prove the other person wrong. I miss having someone who knows about all the things I like, even though you have no interest in them, just because I like them. I was told that you wanted me to take your ashes to Galveston and spread them in the ocean. I would be honored to do that, but I think it may take me a while before I have the strength to do that. It’s hard to let go. You were my whole life for 18 almost 19 years, and you will continue to be a huge part of it, I just won’t have you here to physically share. You mean the world to me Mom and I will miss you forever.

Love your son,

Phillip

Upcoming

I will soon be adding, a very heartfelt letter to my Mother.
I am going through some counseling right now to help try to deal with my grieving process and, my first task is to write a letter to my Mom, telling her what I miss what I will miss, what I don’t miss etc..

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